‘New jeans’ she whispered. ‘These ones are too tight.’ Previously this would have sent me into turmoil. I would have continued to squeeze myself shamefully into my too-tight jeans in a desperate attempt to have me eat less - the unforgiving waist band acting as a constant reminder that if I wasn’t careful, vigilant, obsessed & keeping tally of every calorie, I would end up blowing out. I would gain weight. I would be shamed.
I have been bulimic, anorexic & suffered body dysmorphia for over 30 years. Tight jeans have always signaled a life that was out of control. A perceived lack of my own willpower, focus, laziness. A sure sign that my sensitive soul was in overwhelm. Food meant many things to me, but it had never been used to nourish my body or soul. It had never been used as a means to achieve health, energy or vibrancy.
My favourite complement used to be gaunt. I hated when people told me I looked healthy. To me, ‘healthy’ was a thinly veiled insult, a polite way to call me fat.
At any other time in my life too-tight jeans would have had me juice fasting, purging, stripping carbs or busting out hours of cardio. But yesterday when I decided to check in with my body and she whispered her desire for new jeans I decided to go shopping. No resentment. No bargaining. No shame. No panic. Just a stroll to the local shopping center & 3 new pairs of jeans. I haven’t cut the size labels off. They no longer serve as a measure of my worthiness or headspace. It turns out they have never been a measure of my health. Instead I am deeply grateful in a way I have never experienced before. I am grateful for this beautiful Earth suit that has put up with 30+ years of loathing, deprivation, starvation, binging & overwork. I am grateful that I am healthier than I have been in years. I am grateful that this beautiful body allows me to experience so much pleasure, that she is still talking to me after being ignored for so long & that together we are healing and thriving! I am deeply grateful that I now have tools that allow me to understand who I am & what this beautiful body needs to THRIVE!
In 2 months I’ll be 44. At the end of 2017 I made the decision to choose me. To call myself to myself, to integrate & love all the messy, noisy, wobbly, real parts of me I had previously hushed & hidden. I’ve never imagined a time when I might LOVE my body. (I would have been content to feel indifferent about her & stop hating her. I desperately wished to feel comfortable in my own skin but chased this idea down with diet pills & shame that this had never been my experience.) If I hadn’t been able to love her at my thinnest, what hope was there now??
It turns out, I have been quietly falling in love with me for the past few years. And most deeply over the past 9 months. My decision to choose me at the end of 2017 resulted in a change in career, a focus on health and wellbeing for my entire self, a desire to seek pleasure in each moment and more tears, laughter, connection & love than I could have imagined.
Energetic healing, ph360 health coaching, yoga, meditation & slowing down have allowed me to find my centre. If you need some support to find your own center amidst a world of cray cray, reach out. It’s worth it!
New jeans my love? It would be my honour.